When it comes to emotional fulfillment, few things in this world can match the benefits of a long-term relationship. Having someone whom you trust to care for you, to look after you and to vouch for you when nobody else will is an amazing feeling, one not easily replicated. In addition, you have someone who you don’t have to worry about in terms of diseases and ulterior motives for sex, who knows what you like in the sack and who you aim to please in return, which makes the entire experience that much more satisfying.

Of course, if you’re not in to all that mushy emotional garbage, you can always try to pick up some bar skank to come home with you and do stuff to your penis. Sure, there’s no connection and you’ll probably want to wrap your tool twice – just to be safe – but, then again, sex without attachment is a wonderful thing; you don’t have to remember birthdays or anniversaries, and there’s no financial commitment beyond however many cheap vodka shots it takes to get her to take her pants off. Alas, there’s always a catch – certain nights, the cards just don’t fall in your favor, and you go home to a lonely evening with Jill (splay the fingers of your right hand while looking at the back – you’ll see).

If only there were some way to ensure a steady diet of the no-pants dance, without having to resort to a committed relationship or dragging your net through the bottom of the barrel for some splay-toed behemoth with a voice deeper than yours.

Oh, wait, there’s totally a way to do that (duh, it’s in the title of the post). This magical state of all sex and no crying is called “friends with benefits,” and, if you follow a few simple “friends with benefits” rules, you too can be one of the men with a place to bury his shaft, without worry of getting it stuck.

Rule #1: Pick Wisely

First off, there’s netting your potential sex-buddy-to-be. This is probably the trickiest part, and there’s no guarantee that you don’t muck it up and look like a jackass. That, guy reading this post, is a chance you’ll just have to take.

There’s debate on whether or not you should choose a girl that you don’t know very well or one that you’re currently friends with. Personally, I say go for the friend, preferably one that has expressed a desire for sex recently. If you’re too close with her, it’ll be weird, so pick a girl that you would invite to a party, but not to your birthday party. A former paramour is a possibility, though that runs the risk of rekindling romantic feelings, the exact opposite of what we want here. Stick with someone who is comfortably in the friendzone.

How you approach the topic is up to you. There are many approaches, ranging from being just sly enough to plant the idea in her head to blurting, “We should have sex!” into her face. You’ll need to tailor your response to what you know about her needs and your friendship, which will probably plant you in the middle of these two extremes.

The ideal buddy is a girl who is smart enough to understand the situation, too busy to find sex on the reg on her own, hot enough to fulfill your needs (but not so hot that she gets hit on all the time… It’ll cut into your sex time), and mature enough to comprehend that you do NOT want a real relationship.

Rule #2: Discuss Your Rules

Next, once you’ve gotten that bit out of the way, you’ll want to set the ground rules with your buddy. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. Do not just assume that she has the same views on the subject as you do, as this will inevitably lead to a maelstrom of crap that you just don’t need to deal with. You should cover appropriate times for booty calls, how often it can happen, most importantly, what to do in the event that one of you winds up in a relationship. It might also be a good idea to set an end date, or at least one on which you’ll reevaluate your situation, so the two of you don’t get comfortable with the idea of being together, which will make it that much harder to get out. It should go without saying that the “friends with benefits” relationship is NOT a segue into a real one, but it never hurts to explicitly say that it’s always just going to be sex. Unless you WANT a relationship with her, but then you’d be reading the wrong post, wouldn’t you?

Really, it’d be best to talk out the whole thing beginning to end. What’s okay -and what’s not – when you’re screwing? Do you kiss, or not? If you’re in a rush, do you really need to take off *all* of your clothes? Do you start with oral play, or is that out of bounds altogether? The conversation should take no less than an hour – if it doesn’t, you missed something. If that’s too long for your tastes, just remember that afterwards, you get to have sex! It’s like life’s gold medal.

Rule #3: Stick to Your Rules

Now that the stage is set, don’t go calling plays outside of the book. I mean, what’s the point of setting your own “friends with benefits” rules if you aren’t going to follow them? It’s bad form, and it’s going to make your whole perfect situation go up in smoke.

Rule #4: Ignorance Is Bliss

If you’re pursuing other chicks at the same time, don’t broadcast it. It’s not like she should have anything to say about it, but it doesn’t hurt to keep your antics on the D.L. Depending on her emotional state, her reaction might veer from not caring to some sort of “I’m not enough for you?!?!?” meltdown. You don’t need the stress, and she’d be better off not knowing. As long as you practice safe sex with the other girls, it’s no big thing.

On that same idea, don’t be surprised to hear she’s getting some on the side. It’s really none of your business, and who cares? As long as you’re good and sexed, everybody is happy.

And that’s it for my “friends with benefits” rules. Happy boning, sailor.